FML's Top Ten Airport Struggles
Bob Ross here, let me paint you a picture.
Even people who enjoy traveling hate the airport. Sure, it's exciting when you get there. The air is thick with the promise of adventure. The names of far-off cities beckon from the arrivals and departures board. Faces are full of anticipation and optimism. Everything seems possible!
But spirits are quickly crushed when you find yourself in line for the check-in counter, where impossibly far ahead of you a woman sits on the floor in front of the desk, packing and unpacking her bags, holding up the line for everyone. Your flight boards in 15 minutes and you have never hated anyone more than you hate this woman right now.
At the security checkpoint, you are "randomly" chosen for a five minute pat-down. When you reach the other side of the checkpoint, you are abruptly informed that you forgot to take your laptop out of your bag so your things have to be screened again, only this time, while the TSA agents angrily berate you for you inability to follow instructions. You have never felt so much shame in your life. You're experiencing a full spectrum of emotions today!
After a less than graceful 800 meter sprint, you finally arrive at your gate. Watery airplane coffee, savory snacks, and cramped relaxation are so close you can almost taste them, but the bag-packing woman at the counter and the random pat-down have seriously delayed you and boarding has now closed. So you sit, alone, desolate, at the gate and watch as the plane slowly inches away and takes off. A tear of frustration runs down your cheek, You're defeated.
You are a hollow shell of a human. You have lost all hope. Whereas once you gleefully flung your 50 lb backpack over your shoulder and joked about the weight, you now do so spitefully, and in full awareness that most of your earthly belongings are on that plane, headed for Tanzania (maybe) without you and that upon arriving without an owner, they will be labeled a security risk and detonated. Say goodbye to all the new clothes you bought for vacation. You won't be needing them when you're stuck at home daydreaming about the adventures you're missing out on. You might have been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro right about now...
The following selection of FMLs comes from a number of users who know all too well how this airport struggle feels. You really never know what the problem will be, but rest assured, there will be a problem.
Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML
Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML
Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML
Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML
Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML
Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML
Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I am afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML
Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML
If you are heading to the airport soon, I sincerely wish you the best of luck. God knows you'll need it.