FML's Survival Kit #9 - Whadya mean it's nearly Xmas?!
Hello fellow FML-ers ! It's Thursday and Christmas is practically round the corner (and driving us round the bend), so here's another selection of stuff our team has picked out for you this week. There's something in there for everyone, whether it's for yourself, your friends, or yourself again.
Our team, as most of you are, is really into gadgets, games and fun stuff to play with. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we like, what makes us want to run around the office until we're drunk enough to buy stuff but will also give you some ideas for upcoming events like Christmas, birthdays and other parties where gifts are expected. Check 'em out.
"I'm not the violent type usually, but these last few days, my kids have been driving me mad with their mad requests for Christmas presents. When I was a kid, all I got was an orange and maybe a cigarette sneaked into the palm of my hand by my grandmother. So, to calm myself down, I've bought myself this punching ball-guy. It's perfect for anyone who wants to take their frustrations out on something that looks vaguely human. It reminds me a bit of my dad, so I can work out other issues. Have fun!"
Pseudoscience at its best
"I love these things. I love anything that science can't explain. These are copper bracelets that have magnets in them, and they can cure all sorts of weird afflictions. Aches and pains, joint problems, sore nipples… you name it, it'll fix it. It's a two pack, so either you can get one for someone who's really suffering, or get it for your parents. They're the ones who usually go for this NaturalNews-level bullshit."
Snooping on the neighbors
"This is a collection of business cards that you can leave lying around or just keep for fun. There's the "Nice parking asshole" variation that you can shove on the windshield of the twunt who keeps parking his SUV-slash-penis compensator in the handicapped bay at the local supermarket, even though he's a jock. Anyway, get this pack of cards for yourself or as a gift, they're a lot of fun. Enjoy yourself!"
2016, don't come again
"Well, it did, didn't it? This t-shirt sums everything up. I mean… David Bowie died, as well as a lot of other great people, I stubbed my toe on my coffee table at least 6 times and Kanye West went absolutely mental. And the less said about Brexit, the US elections and Garry Shandling dying as well, the better. Let's hope 2017 is better."
"I'm a cat. I like to laze around. The thing is, my human has a small apartment, the poor soul, so hiding places and comfy spots are hard to find. I'm often told to get off the various piles of comfy clean clothes, so I was glad when this hammock was installed. It's great. I can sit under a chair and watch ankles go by, idly swatting at them from time to time. Small dogs can also use it, but not in mine thanks."
Eggs eggs eggs eggs
"Someone bought me this, and at first I was like, 'Dude, where's my engagement ring? What's this crap?' But it turns out that if you like eggs, or if you cook enough eggs during the week, it's a godsend. It just slices through the shell and cracking eggs the old fashioned way will just seem quaint. And shit. Get it for your mom as a stocking filler and go with the gender stereotypes."
"I have two cats and I'm forever cursing at the amount of hair they leave all over the place. Under the couch, on my clothes, it's getting ridiculous. So when a friend gave me this book to stop me whining and to get me to actually do something, it was amazing. I'm on my way to creating a beanie hat to keep my bald head protected from the cold weather. Any cat lover would love this book."
"I love bananas. Bananas are my life. I like to slice them up and put them in vanilla ice cream. This slicer is useful to me because I'm not allowed to use knives anymore, since last time I almost cut my hand off trying to work out how to peel a mango. So now, my mom won't let me use actual knives, she instead got me this simple gadget. It's also a fun stocking filler for anyone who enjoys sliced bananas. It doesn't work with cucumbers or dachshunds."
That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon for some more stuff in the run up til Christmas!