FML's Survival Kit #20
Here's this week's collection of cool stuff that you definitely need! We make absolutely no money from this column, the revenue it generates is hardly worth our time, but we enjoy doing it.
Our team of geeky friends and colleagues, as most of you wonderful people are, is really into gadgets, games and weird stuff to play around with. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we all like, what makes us all giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for upcoming events like birthdays, wakes and other fun things.
What's going on?!
"Hello friends! If like me you have friends who have no notion at all of what's going on in politics, who think voting is a waste of time, or even people who thought that the Reagan years were the best, you should get them this book. It'll set them straight on lots of things, and I'm not saying I'm a Republican or a Liberal, I'm just one of those people who likes things to be fair, and that everything should be discussed in a civil matter. With knowledge comes power, and that video of the guy with the tattoos screaming "I LOVE TRUMP" still gives me the willies."
"I need my anonymity, I need to be able to go about my business without people staring at me. Well, I don't mind the staring, just as long as they don't see my face. These masks show that I mean business. I mean, look at them, they've got skulls on them. Well, half skulls, the top half of your head will still be visible. Unless you put something else over it, like a hat. A nice bowler hat for example, something that offsets the creepiness of the skull. I could imagine going to a wedding wearing such a fetching ensemble."
Time to shoot
"Don't mess with me bro, or I'll pop a cap in yo ass. Nah, just kidding. I don't have a gun. I don't want one. I'd probably just use it to shoot myself in the head. Yeah, I've been feeling a bit down lately, my girlfriend left me for some jock, and my mom is on drugs, well, homeopathy so she's in no real danger, it's just that sometimes I just want to end it all. Or shoot cans in the back yard. I'll be OK though, Grey's Anatomy is on tonight."
"I like my music, and I love Sonic Youth. This t-shirt was worn by Kim Gordon so I got it for myself. I consider myself quite the feminist, except when I'm begging my girlfriend to let me blow on her face. I don't know why I love it so much. The t-shirt I mean. Anyway, get it for the punk rock girl in your life."
Oh, the horror
"I'm a cat. Once, I saw a human purchase and use one of the straightjackets to cut my claws. It was horrible. Never buy one. Be kind to your cat. And definitely don't be one of those assholes who gets their cat declawed, it's painful for life to us. Look at that cat's face in the picture. LOOK AT IT. He'd rather be taking a shit on that human's head than be in that thing. Strap a baby in it and see how they like. The muzzle thing is even worse, except when I'm taking the plane and I need my beauty sleep."
"Here's the perfect gift for my ex. And my dad. And my brother. What says "Fuck you, you fuck-knuckle" better than a bag of shit? It's not ACTUAL shit, I'm not insane, but it's quite life-like. It also doubles as a great present for your friends who have a sense of humour, but have a back up present prepared because you might get a case of "Is this it?""
The price is right
"I love guitars. I have quite a few. I've featured this Epiphone because it was signed by BB King. If you don't know who BB King is, jump off a bridge or just stop listening to shit music. Anyway, I included this one because of the price tag. Check it out. I can't say I bought this guitar because I don't have that sort of money. If I did, I'd be swimming in champagne and call girls. Just look."
Now more than ever
"I think this button might've been featured before in the column, but we need it more than ever. Have you seen the bullshit that's going on in the world? I'm considering getting the gun that was mentioned previously and throwing it at the television. Maybe I should stop watching TV and start growing my own vegetables. Get involved in the local community. There must be more to life than this. Help."
That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon.