FML's Survival Kit #18
Here's this week's collection of cool stuff that you definitely need! We make absolutely no money from this column, the revenue it generates is hardly worth our time, but we enjoy doing it.
Our team of geeky friends and colleagues, as most of you wonderful people are, is really into gadgets, games and weird stuff to play around with. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we all like, what makes us all giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for upcoming events like birthdays, wakes and other fun things. Check 'em out.
Music is my life!
"Hello guys! As I've already mentioned, I'm a family man, I've got a wife, and kids. This means that the noise at home is horrendous, with my wife mowing the lawns and the kids reenacting famous swordfights using pizza cutters, I can't concentrate. So I got these wireless headphones to get some peace and quiet. I can listen to my favorite music, such as Rush, Mike Oldfield and Barclay James Harvest without being bugged. And they work great on the subway for keeping the sound of the world's misery out of my earholes."
"The place I live in has yet to be graced by the visit of spring and its nice, clement temperatures. So these slippers are pretty neat for sliding across the tiled floor from my bed to the bathroom in the morning. And my feet are protected from my boyfriend's long toenails, which really dig into my ankles into the night. When I put these on, he knows it's time to get the clippers out."
Love is the key
"Hi people of FML. Last week, it seems that I came across like a bit of a sleazeball. I like girls. I like women. I'm not a creep. So this week, I'm suggesting you do the same as me and get this for your girlfriend. It means a lot to a bitch when you give her a key to your place. I personally bought several sets, because I really want to tap that chick who works in the gas station down the road."
"As you may have noticed from the past articles, I'm a pretty fly guy. I'm into my fashion. Some would say I'm a fashion icon. These shoes are itemized as bowling shoes, but they're much more than that, they're a fashion statement. Walking down the street in these gives you the feeling you can do anything, and anything you do will result in a strike. Top score. Points all over. Get them, they'll change your poise."
A cat isn't a toy
"I'm a cat. The other day, some short people invaded my human's home. I mean children, not dwarves. These kids had no respect for me or my fur, but luckily my human intervened before any real damage could be done to my tail. This is because kids are idiots. Get them to read up on cats before letting them handle us. This book explains everything you need to know. Fucking kids, it'd rip each and everyone of them's arms off and feed them to next door's Jack Russell (even if I hate that fucker)."
Never be afraid of the dark
"I've been on edge recently due to a lot of stress. I hate being in the dark, I don't know why. I get nervous. So I got this cushion, that's like a huge paw with hearts and it lights up and stuff. I feel so much safer with the warm glow. OK OK, it's supposed to be for kids, but the best people are still kids at heart. But with pubic hair."
My favorite company
"One thing that really grinds my gears is anti-GMO people who smoke. Or anti-GMO people full stop. They have no idea what science is, or ignore the fact that GMOs have been around since man started agriculture in general. All hail Norman Borlaug. Anyway, whenever Monsanto is mentioned, people lose. their. shit. My greatest wish is to work for them one day. Seriously. Just so I can say "Oh me, I work at Monsanto" at parties. Anyway, this light looks cool in my kitchen."
Chicken for Easter
"Easter is coming up as we all know. Or are we still concentrating on the FAKE NEWS that chocolate companies aren't mentioning Easter on their eggs. Boy, they do like to shake shitty sticks in the news with their stupid stories. This here isn't a real chicken drumstick, it's a cushion. There's several sizes too, get the huge one and use it as a cushion for your head while you watch cooking shows!"
That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon.