FML's Survival Kit #17
Here's this week's collection of cool stuff that you definitely need! We make absolutely no money from this column, the revenue it generates is hardly worth our time, but we enjoy doing it.
Our team of geeky friends and colleagues, as most of you wonderful people are, is really into gadgets, games and weird stuff to play around with. This column will allow you to find out what sort of things we all like, what makes us all giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for upcoming events like birthdays, wakes and other fun things. Check 'em out.
"Hello everyone! I'm a family man, I've got a wife, and kids. Some of my kids are girls, so don't expect me to be some sort of sexist. I respect women, to the point where I consider myself a feminist. I also think we should be united in our search for somewhere to pee. This item allows women to pee standing up, at urinals or wherever. Egality can only be acheived via the urinal. The glass ceiling is easy to reach if you're standing up!"
It's business time
"I picked this item because I love it when my boyfriend slips into something sexy and surprises me. Usually, the something sexy he slips into is one of my holes with his knob. Sorry. Anyway, this is a sexy shirt, but you have to be able to own it. Skinny dweebs instinctively won't like this, but you can work it no matter your body shape. Think sexy, be sexy. My boyfriend does, and boy do I like it when he does."
"Hi everyone. I like a good chuckle. I'm a bit of a prankster, and I like a good, lewd joke as much as the next man. This here item is an USB stick that starts moving around when you plug it in. Because you're turning it on. Get it? You can store all your files on it or give it as a gift to the hot co worker you can't seem to talk to without stammering so that she'll know that you want to do her against the filing cabinet by the photocopier. Not that I'm in that situation."
"This mug allows you to say FUCK YOU quite discreetly, to anyone and everyone. Especially the hot co worker who won't give you the time of day because she thinks you're a slimeball, just because you made a hilarious comment about her wonky-ass tits. Erm, not that I'd ever do that sort of thing, I'm a lover, not a fighter."
Look at the shiny-shiny!
"I'm a cat. I love shiny, flashing things. They fascinate me. As Christmas and its baubles are a long way away, I've been trying to persuade my human to get these cool shoes. I saw some once in the street on some girl's feet, and it was mesmerizing. Everyone should wear these, they're cooler than ice."
Got my finger on the pulse
"I think in a previous articled I made a joke about being fingered, and some of you dirty-minded people totally misread my meaning! This pen is literally a finger. Or is it figuratively? I can never tell. Anyway, you can write with it, obviously, but it also doubles as a 'Pull my finger' fart noise joke pen. And everyone knows that farts are funny. These don't come with the smell, unfortunately."
"Serious object time. The Fender Bass VI was discontinued in the '70s. Squier started producing them again and they're the best fucking 6-string basses in the world. They're cheap at twice the price, they sound amazing and you can use them if you're a bassist or a guitarist. If you like bands like The Cure, Mogwai or New Order, get one. If you want to buy an instrument for the musician in your life, get one of these babies. They'll bore your tits off with gratitude."
"This week, I'm recommending a pool table. Well, it's not the sort of pool table that'll squash you like a lemon if it falls on you from a tall building, it's a travel billard table. Great for nights out, parties, and it's even got that blue chalk that everyone pretends to know what it's for when using it. Good fun, especially when drunk. But then again, what isn't?"
That's it for this week. Hope you enjoyed our selection, and maybe even bought a few things! See you soon.