FML's post-Christmas debriefing
Thank tinselled-Christ that that's finished! Christmas 2014 is finally over. We can finally stop grumbling about the endless songs about snow, put the presents away in a closet (or a dumpster) and start to digest the huge amounts of processed food that grandma has been force-feeding us. So, how was it for you? People on TV have post-match debates; here on FML we thought we'd have a post-Christmas debriefing, due to the anticlimax a lot of people feel, but are afraid to express out loud for fear of seeming ungrateful. Unless you're a teenager whining that you didn't get the iPhone 6, and telling every social network you can get your ungrateful mitts on that you now hate your parents and that you want to die in a sea of tears, you can tell us all about it on FML. Little kids certainly don't hold back.
Today, my five-year-old son wants to send a complaint letter to Santa, whom he claims left him presents, "so bad that even you dad wouldn't have done this to me." FML
Yes, the age-old present problem. Buying presents is a nightmare. Receving presents gives you nightmares.
Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML
We've all struggled to buy presents for people, and we've all struggled this year too. Despite the internet making it much easier to order stuff in November, you still have to think about who you're buying things for, estimating the risk/cost ratio. What, you don't believe there's a risk involved? Some people go to extremes to avoid having to go through the rigmarole of buying a Christmas present.
Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML
OK, we don't know whether this last case was more due to the cost, or the risk side. But it's still risky, buying something shitty for someone who previously respected you. You lose that respect just once, and it's gone. The next year, they're giving you something that'll shit all over your apartment and life.
Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML
Remember, a dog isn't just for Christmas Day. You've got to keep some leftovers for sandwiches the next day. Badum tish. Some people are forced to spend Christmas alone. Some are forced to spend Christmas with other people. Both sides of the coin are equally tretcherous.
Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML
The trouble with an FML like that is the lack of details. Is this person alone because family and friends are far away, and/or are down on their luck? Or are they alone because they're a total twunt that everyone hates and they actually deserve to be alone in a MickeyD's, crying? No follow-up to this story, so we'll probably never know. On the other hand, another circle of hell could be described as:
Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how, "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML
No thanks. Luckily, most of us are somewhere in-between. Decent presents, well-meaning relatives, but somewhere along the line, Murphy's Law appears.
Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put one thousand dollars on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14 digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML
Yes, I know, he got given a thousand bucks. A lot of misguided people will say, "But that's not an FML, his uncle is rich, yadda yadda yadda." Don't do that. You're missing the point of FML entirely when you do that. The point is not to score points in the "My life is worse than yours" contest. The stories are about facepalms, WTFs, headdesks and the things in life that suck. Christmas doesn't suck. And yet it does. The best thing about Christmas (besides "Last Christmas" by Wham! and Billy Idol doing "Jingle Bell Rock") is the warm, fuzzy feeling you get from all the family getting together. Or is it?
Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML
OK, that's not really a family atmosphere. This is closer to home, with a warmer feel than a randy Christmas parrot:
Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in the house had already opened theirs and had all gone to bed. FML
So, a lot of disappointed/embarrassed/angry/sexy people over the years. We've been going almost 6 years now (our birthday is coming up, get us some presents please), so we've had quite a few Christmas stories. But we want more, so feel free to use the comments section to expand on your Christmas. How was it? Pretend this is a self-help group for the post-Christmas comedown.
We've got New Year's Eve to look forward to now. Shudder.