FML's Awkward Bodies

       Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread...
By Alan / Tuesday 25 September 2012 07:45 /

     Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML
     No matter how old we are, we all go through phases in our lives when our bodies let us down. We droop, we smell, we break, we sprain, we trip over ourselves, gases seep out when we least expect them to, nature calls when we clearly want to be left alone, our nerves make us sweat, bumble, mumble, blurt, spurt and fumble. We want to do our best, but out bodies wont let us, our minds and our organs are constantly fighting a battle, and our minds are losing big time. The brillant Louis C.K. said of his first sexual encounter with a girl, “As soon as she touched my dick, I came and started farting.” You can imagine that on FML we have a large selection of this sort of occurrence, so if you’ve ever felt like taking your body back to the shop to exchange for a better model, or just hoping for an upgrade, read on because you’re not alone.

     Sometimes, we’re just hapless victims, illness has taken over our bodies, we’ve been prescribed some sort of voodoo medication, or we’ve just had shitty luck.
     Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML
     Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML
     Today, after a particularly difficult late night workout at the gym, I decided to shower in the locker room. I must have passed out, because I later woke up naked, surrounded by police after someone called to report a dead body in the shower. FML
     Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

     Other times, it’s our entire fault, brought on by drinking and eating too much, being an idiot and generally behaving like a total numpty.
     Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML
     Today, I had a hard time taking a dump. Before flushing, I noticed two pennies and a dime incrusted in my turd. It seems that yesterday, while drunk, I swallowed some change. FML
     Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML

     Many body issues are age-specific.
     Today, while looking in the mirror at my full-blown grease-spewing acne-riddled face, my father came up behind me and said, "Don't worry son, I had acne like that when I was your age". I replied, "No you didn't", and his immediate response while laughing was, "No, I didn't." FML
     Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML
     Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML
     Today, I was with my 6th grade class. During recess, we were talking about growing up and getting older. I said that one day, they'd start to look like me. Two of my students started crying. FML
     Some of us wish to improve ourselves; we strive for success and try our hardest to make our bodies work properly. Or at least without them creaking so much. But it doesn’t always work out like in the movies, where the training sessions are a 30-second clip set to a rousing power ballad. In real life it’s 30 minutes set to the sound of your heart popping out of your ears and sweat pooling in your crotch.
     Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML
     Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML
     Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

     But we have to admit that most of us, me included, are just out of shape. Our bodies are run down, and are in dire need of a jump-start, a new fitness regime. Or not. You can just let it slide, sit back and accept that you’re lazy and carefree. Who wants to be one of those lycra-clad people in the gym anyway? They look like pod-people training to become humans and take us over.
     Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML
     Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML
     Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML
     There are many more categories and FMLs that could’ve been included, and I’m guessing that while reading this you probably thought of that time that you did that thing that still makes you groan with shame. But now you know that we’ve all been there, done that and got the mental scars to prove it. When I remember something really embarrassing that I’ve said or done in the past, no matter how long ago, I do actually make a noise, almost like sticking my fingers in my ears and going “lalalalala” as if I’m trying to consciously erase the memory from my mind. It never works; these things still haunt me, especially at 3:15am for some reason.

     Anyway, here’s to our bodies enabling us to enjoy many more embarrassing, shameful and awkward moments, without them we wouldn’t know what feeling good would feel like.

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By  drkate25  |  30

I've had a few of these moments recently, with anesthesia from oral surgery causing vomiting for days and pain medications with awkward side effects. Feels terrible when you can't control your body.

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