FML on vacation #3: Back to boredom
Most pessimists will say that all good things must come to an end. It's the same deal with your vacation in a shitty tent on the beach. Yeah, you were having fun, living it rough without Mom and Dad, no worries, no Internet, no homework. But's that all over now, baby blue. It's time to pack up your crap and hop on that bus, hitchhike, or drive that camper van back to where it all started: the tedium of everyday life. Everything has an end, just like life itself. That's why should enjoy most situations as much as you can; OK, some people believe in life after death, but what if there isn't anything? What if that two-week vacation in Costa Rica was the best thing that will ever happen to you ever? Depressing thought, isn't it? So, now you're on your way back home, because your life is once again going to get back into the mind-numbing groove. Can you feel the warm glow inside that tells you that you're nearly home, or is it more a sort of chilling dread? What is actually left of your vacation, besides a few flimsy souvenirs, some memories, and a bunch of sand in your shoes?
(The world's biggest car park was created on the road back from the beach, yesterday)
If you got lucky, as that damn song goes, you might have brought back an STD as a souvenir, but that means a quick appointment with your local doctor to get it fixed, otherwise your knob or whatever might fall off. You can't be too careful these days. Always wear a condom and a motorcycle helmet. For the rest of us, balance your check books. Have we got any money left over from all those fun fair rides? Do we still have a job waiting for us when we get home? I did act a bit strange on the last day, though. What was it? Oh yeah, I yelled out, "this job is pissing on my chips, I can't wait to get to the beach to drink rosé wine while watching the sun go down." Bosses don't like that sort of language. You'll see when you start your first day of work after your vacation.
Today, my boyfriend and I are on our way back from vacation. It will be an eight hour drive. It just so happens I got food poisoning the night before we left, and there's roadwork everywhere. We're at a dead halt with no signs of moving. FML
There can also be a whole load of reasons why you don't want to come home. Getting back into the swing of things isn't necessarily a barrel of laughs. Day to day life is usually tedious. It means going back to work, or school, or college, and seeing the same old fuckfaces, who are going to tell you all about their wonderful vacation on some white sanded beach in a mystical land where they ran into Beyoncé and that guy who is always featuring on other people's records, and played ping pong with them, rather than finishing them off with a flame-thrower like you or I would've attempted to do before security stepped in. People who absolutely must tell you about their vacation are walking FMLs. And you score double points if they have their smartphones to show you all the pictures. "There's the hotel, it had a gym, see... I didn't go into the sauna because of my cystitis, hahaha. Did I tell you about the ping pong tournament with Beyoncé and the guy who does all the featurings?" Kill me now. I usually pretend to not have been anywhere, and only go when it's not a school holiday to avoid people who can only go with their obnoxious kids. It must be horrible having to plan your life around your child's calendar. Oh go on then, show me that picture of your feet by the pool, the one with your toes spread out wide that everyone else does to post on Facebook to say "I'm on holiday, tosspots, you're not". Wahey, there it is. Well done.
(Airport security has done a lot for the train and bus industry)
Today, I went back to work after a vacation, only to find out I'll soon be forced to dress up as one of the princesses from Frozen to promote our store. FML
The trip home is obviously less fun that the trip out. Everyone is tired from trying to make the most of it right up until the last moment, but the flame is no longer flickering in their eyes. They are dead inside. They just want to go home and watch Cops. They're in a bad mood, fights break out around the luggage carrousel. Speaking of which: all you people who crowd around the carrousel while you wait for your suitcases, stop doing it. It's really annoying. Stand back so people whose luggage is actually going past can get through and grab it. There. Rant over. Once out of the airport, the train station, the car and into their house, they should be ready for what's next. But nobody is. Coming home is once again a question of geography, it's still you, but in a different place. The slight anticlimax of the vacation means that you lie in bed thinking things like, "A few hours ago, I was on a beach in Antigua, now I'm back here. What was all that about? Why? Where am I going? Why don't I end it all today? Oh no, I want to see the next season of Homeland first."
Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML
Once home, some become depressed, crazy even. If you're on Facebook, maybe you've seen people who seem to feel the need to take pictures of their children all dressed up with satchels or bags on their backs on their way to their first day of school, and then post them on their Facebook timelines. Why do people do this? I think someone should look into the legality of this. Is this weird, or am I overexaggerating to make a comedic point? I can't tell anymore.
(Photo of two children on their first day of school in France in 2014)
Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML
The long walk home is ongoing: some of you are still on holiday, some are on their way back, and some are taking their vacation now because they don't have kids and are thus smarter than most. I'm not doing anything. My life is pretty A-OK. If you do feel the need to take a break and go a long way away, maybe the life you are living is a bit shit. I know it's an easy thing to spout off like that, but instead of spending most of your time dreaming of vacations to come, why not change your life a bit, in such a way that you don't really feel the need to take breaks. That's what I did. As I said, it's easy to do, but I take life as a huge cosmic joke, nothing is taken seriously, which in turn causes me some problems with the establishment with regards to deadlines and stuff like that, but I wouldn't exchange my life for anything else. As Bill Hicks said, life is just a ride. So good luck getting back to the real world, and have fun more often if you can. Speaking of which, there's been quite a few Ice Bucket Challenges this summer, and I'd like to suggest an updated version for this autumn/fall : the Liquid Nitrogen Challenge. Who could I nominate? Hmmm. I'll let you know. Ann Coulter is an early contender. As always, be excellent to each other, and farewell Joan R.
Next week we'll be back to our usual illustrated FMLs, I hope!