FML High-Jinx: The Stoner Selection
Aloha, my little babe-lings.
It is April 20th, the unofficial holiday of stoners everywhere, and while we at FML cannot condone illicit behavior, we do know that for many of you, this will be a legal celebration. If you fall into this boat, raise a glass. Happy 420 to you.
Naturally, today's FML selection is dedicated to this shit right here, aka the devil's lettuce, aka that good-good, aka broccoli, aka sticky icky, giggle nuggets, dope, tree, reefer, dro, ganja, bud, hemp, herb, bubonic chronic, wacky tabacky (à la my uncle); in layman's terms:
For without it, we would have none of these FMLs to laugh at. And laughing is good! We like laughing. Ha! ha! See?
Okay, you may now proceed.
Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML
Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML
Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML
Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML
Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother smoking weed. He immediately tried to hide it by dropping it down his pants, still lit. Screaming in pain, he pulled down his pants. The ashes burned his knob. I had to take him to the emergency room. FML
I mean, it was Snoop Dogg, the Kush King himself, who said "drop it like it's hot."
So, remember kids:
But I mean, I'm just some words on your screen and I can't control what you do, so if you are celebrating today, please toke up responsibly.
One last thing: I'd like to send a special shout out to the folks at my alma mater, UC Santa Cruz, because I know this is a big day for you. If there are any Banana Slugs out there (yes, this is actually our mascot), holla atcha girl.
Rep it, Travolta.