17 Tweets From This Week To Laugh At While Ignoring Any Responsibilities You May Have
1. You're no Bella Swan.
I don’t know why Kylie is out here acting like she’s carrying Renesmee and we are the Volturi— Kev-Prince Kombi (@KevKombi) January 7, 2018
2. Didn't you mother teach you it's rude to stare?
i thought this lady was fuckin staring at me for 5 minutes till i realized it was a magazine pic.twitter.com/eb0gLWvf6i— vince (@VlNCHY) January 7, 2018
3. Stop expecting things from me.
i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w— mary d (@maryjennaa) January 7, 2018
4. Why I can't take a good picture.
me: *stares at selfie til it turns ugly*— zander (@finah) January 5, 2018
me: i fucking knew it pic.twitter.com/dF0iuufLyf
5. Pretty please?
Nudes are so 2017. Send me money.— Evan (@EvansPosts) January 10, 2018
6. And I thought you cared...
putting tape over my Webcam thinking about how the CIA agent watched me cry everyday for a year and didn't once check up one me: cut toxic people out in 2018— Gift from God (@Health_n_Hubris) January 7, 2018
7. Stop playing me.
I fucking Hate being cat fished by a parking space. Get so excited, go to pull in.. and there's a fiat 500 in there— Ashley Griffith (@AshgriffoTV) January 6, 2018
8. Nah, man, this ain't Animal Planet.
please stop calling our customer service hotline to ask if we have The Gorilla Channel— Netflix US (@netflix) January 6, 2018
9. Dad joke incoming.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
10. Finally something from high school that actually came in handy in the real world.
So that’s what PEMDAS means https://t.co/LOTygPjqO9— luis (@luissdm_) January 8, 2018
11. Hug me brothaaa!
National Anthem— Cory ? (@_ihateyall) January 5, 2018
- old as shit
- written by a racist
- way fuckin overplayed
Drake & Josh theme song
- single-handedly raised me
- fucking slaps
- i never thought that'd it'd be so simple but
- i found a way
- i found a way
12. So, you know, there's that.
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.— Baptized in Lean (@Juice2Wavy) January 8, 2018
13. Don't get wise with me, child.
he's 5 years old and said a curse word one day in response to not getting his way. i got eye level with him and told him we don't use words like that in our house. this child looked me dead in my eyes and said "this is an apartment, not a house"— Rebecca (@rebeccaisdope) January 8, 2018
14. Modern day philosophers.
damn smash mouth was right, the years start coming and they really don’t stop coming— ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ :*:･ﾟ✧ (@ghostgrI) January 9, 2018
15. It's all a lie!
When relatives say “sure looks like you’re having a lot of fun in college” ya Tina I don’t post the pics of me crying in the library on Facebook— Evan (@EvansPosts) January 7, 2018
16. "omg yes that's totally what this tastes like!"
La Croix taste like if you were drinking carbonated water and someone screamed out loud the name of a specific fruit in the other room— Daniel Tran (@Daanieltran) January 7, 2018
17. Sexism at its finest.
it’s so rude that guys cologne could last through a hurricane but girls perfume wear off seconds after it’s sprayed on— Kelly (@k3llytweets) January 5, 2018