14 Funny Tweets To Distract You From The Fact That There’s Still Two Months Left Of Winter
1. The harsh reality.
No mom I didn’t wake up at noon. I woke at 11 and scrolled through all apps in my social media folder for an hour, then I decided to get out of bed— Connor Hannigan (@connor_hannigan) January 29, 2018
2. Don't ask women about their beauty routine.
Tonight at work a creepy dude asked me "what's your secret to staying so slim and perky?" I responded "I'm a thousand year old witch & every morning I bathe in the blood of men I've sacrificed" & an old lady nearby laughed; pretty sure this makes us an official coven— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) January 29, 2018
3. Is that even a thing?
who the fuck said that cardi b is short for cardiovascular bronchitis— ada cucharada (@ada_sack) January 29, 2018
4. Much water, so health.
day 7 of drinking 96oz of water a day. A lot has changed. I pee 14 times a day. My skin feels great.I feel energized.I can now shapeshift into a lizard whenever I want. I can lift 3 Honda civics w/ my pinky finger (left hand specifically) & harvest a field of crops in 0.7 seconds— Natalie Ray (@_natalieray) January 25, 2018
5. Ice cold, grandpa.
My grandpa looked at me and said "you've gained some weight".— Jailyn Draper (@justjailynd) January 27, 2018
My grandma was like "Just ignore him, he's got dementia, he probably doesn't know who you are."
This mf said "I know who she is and I know what I said." pic.twitter.com/mfweOUfAzl
6. When ladies plan the attack...
Ladies have u seen the Sephora X-pro Anastasia color pop eye glow ki- ok now that the men have officially lost interest in this tweet, this is ur sign, we attack at dawn.— R (@complic8edrania) January 26, 2018
7. ...But the men just wanna be able to talk about their feelings.
man you guys see the new nfl rule they're implementing next season that's really gonna shake things up- ok fellas the girls stopped reading this tweet did you guys cry after watching bridge to terabithia be honest— ryan (@yeetztweetz) January 29, 2018
I saw a video of an dog owner playing dead and his dog tried to save him— larri (@LARRAYOX) January 28, 2018
so I tried it pic.twitter.com/6pTSGzAznh
9. Eh, things are looking OK for us.
Millennials get a lot of shit but the baby boomers are all addicted to pain pills and generation z is eating tide pods for likes on instagram so I think we are actually doing pretty good— ᴠɪɴᴄᴇɴᴛ (@vinnycrack) January 25, 2018
10. Because everyone under the age of 30 is collectively at a third grade reading level.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) January 27, 2018
11. Oprah's face says it all.
This lady just honked her horn at me cause she wanted me to hurry up and leave the parking spot. Now I gotta sit here till we both dead 🤷🏽♂️ pic.twitter.com/DGvAere4jk— The Charmed One (@Mndspeak88) January 30, 2018
12. That's it. That's the whole party.
having a gender reveal party tomorrow for the hamster i just got at petco. nothin crazy just gonna flip it over and see if it has a dick or whatever— ԼƖԼ ƁƠƬƬƠMƬЄҲƬ (@_ericcurtin) January 27, 2018
13. My eyes are rolling out of their sockets.
Me when y'all applaud men for doing the bare minimum: pic.twitter.com/JdmBI8Ai86— yami thot (@starcrossedlovr) January 29, 2018
14. A romantic candlelit dinner of McDonalds.
So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?” SON, my chest 😭— B. (@Ticklemelili) January 26, 2018