Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

by whoops / 09/02/2016 at 10:49am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Work

Tripartita's comment : I'm wondering how detailed you actually were. I mean, I'm nothing special, but I tend to include the standard, "I'll turn you π radians clockwise perpendicular to my cock before oscillating with a frequency of 144 thrusts per minute, attenuating at a rate of negative 4.8 thrusts per second near climax. Baby."

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Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

by David / 09/02/2016 at 2:01am / United States (Kentucky) / Work

delichick's comment : How did your boss find out, unless the other job called him for a reference. If youre looking for other employment you gotta try and keep it quiet (Ive informed jobs Im looking, but hadnt informed the place Im working at about it). Good luck at the new job if you got it, orherwise good luck searching

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Today, my friend and I were eating in my car in a McDonald's parking lot, when an angry, drunk man stumbled out of the restaurant and into his car. He then hit the McDonald's wall, turned around and sped straight into my car. I only bought it a week ago. FML

by whyme / 09/02/2016 at 12:33am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

by SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes / 09/02/2016 at 12:06am / United States / Miscellaneous

28actress's comment : You can't perform very easily in the kitchen when your clothes (especially sleeves) are that big! You could cut a finger off! Also I'm pretty sure that if the shoes are that small then you probably won't even be able to get them on. So go in with your feet hanging out of your shoe, you sleeves pulled over your hands and your trousers dragging on the floor and just see if they won't give you a re-order

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Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

by eliinu / 09/01/2016 at 10:45pm / United States (Kentucky) / Health

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

by StupidJob / 09/01/2016 at 7:23pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

by Thay / 09/01/2016 at 6:28pm / United States / Love

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

by Deaf Dumb & Blonde / 09/01/2016 at 5:17pm / United States / Love

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

by ohwell / 09/01/2016 at 1:49pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was driving home when a guy crashes into me from behind. I get out of my car and tell him that I'm going to call the cops. He then asks me if we can move to a corner because we're blocking the way, so then get back in to move. I look in the mirror to see him driving off. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2016 at 11:40pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

by Ihatepants / 08/31/2016 at 9:37pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

by guh / 08/31/2016 at 11:54am / Malaysia (Selangor) / Intimacy

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

by Dizzie Rascal / 08/31/2016 at 7:01am / United Kingdom / Health