Today, the driver side mirror of my car was smashed off and laying on the ground. On the window was a $75.00 ticket for improper equipment for not having a mirror. FML

by Timebaseboy / 10/21/2009 at 12:06am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2009 at 11:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

by badnewsbears / 10/20/2009 at 10:27pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

chrissyj84's comment : Someone's picky picky when it comes to uncut dicky.

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Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2009 at 10:15pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

by Raiders4ever / 10/20/2009 at 8:44pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

by FailedEngineer / 10/20/2009 at 5:31pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

by jaxattax / 10/20/2009 at 4:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

KaylaKiwified's comment : I'm going to say you're incredibly stupid here, and YDI. And HDI, too. He should've remembered something like that, and maybe put it in something you aren't allergic to, like roses, or something. And why didn't you just throw it in the trash? Do you always throw things down the garbage disposal first?

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Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

by ShayanFCB / 10/20/2009 at 3:35pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

by Twinner / 10/20/2009 at 3:03pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Transportation

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

by Omi / 10/20/2009 at 1:44pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

by Watchyourstep / 10/20/2009 at 1:11pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

by stick / 10/20/2009 at 12:05pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

great_lawl's comment : so deserved

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Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

by BobbyHutchinson / 10/20/2009 at 11:57am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous