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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

#1752
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33650) - you deserved it (9180)

On 01/19/2009 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by stanDman - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

#1751
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18438) - you deserved it (3287)

On 01/19/2009 at 12:59pm - love - by lovekills99 - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

#1741
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21487) - you deserved it (1892)

On 01/19/2009 at 11:49am - misc - by vixenscars - United States (California)

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

#1705
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30465) - you deserved it (1960)

On 01/19/2009 at 6:12am - love - by f'ed_over - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

#1702
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27601) - you deserved it (8863)

On 01/19/2009 at 5:26am - money - by Noname - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

#1700
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19927) - you deserved it (6794)

On 01/19/2009 at 4:21am - love - by Noname - United States (New Jersey)

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

#1689
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18645) - you deserved it (2413)

On 01/19/2009 at 12:32am - health - by spoony - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

#1678
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27223) - you deserved it (11266)

On 01/18/2009 at 10:20pm - intimacy - by gjh - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

#1665
22 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21639) - you deserved it (1880)

On 01/18/2009 at 8:07pm - love - by GopherJR - Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador)

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

#1663
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17763) - you deserved it (2822)

On 01/18/2009 at 8:01pm - misc - by frankie - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I bought a party bowl of Bud Light for a get-together. Around midnight, I realized that I didn't have the tap to get the beer out. Fifty-five cans of untappable beer and no more beer money. FML

#1649
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (4905) - you deserved it (18001)

On 01/18/2009 at 6:14pm - misc - by Colleen - United States (Florida)

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

#1634
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6684) - you deserved it (27052)

On 01/18/2009 at 4:57pm - love - by indian:( - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML

#1633
15 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16267) - you deserved it (1851)

On 01/18/2009 at 4:50pm - animals - by dirtyfoot - United States (Texas)



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