Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm and I saw and smelled smoke coming under my door. My second story window wouldn't unlock so I broke it open, threw out as many of my belongings as I could, and jumped. Turns out, the smell and noise were from my roomates cheap vacuum cleaner, not a fire. FML

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

by thornrose22 / 10/31/2009 at 8:22pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 8:04pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 7:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

by trick or not treat / 10/31/2009 at 6:26pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 4:18pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 3:40pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Health

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'for sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

by dogsickftl / 10/31/2009 at 3:09pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Transportation

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

by Morgannaken / 10/31/2009 at 1:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

by apparentnerd / 10/31/2009 at 1:32pm / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a 24-hour taco shop, while he was wearing a tee-shirt that says "F*** Me I'm Famous." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 12:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister had her first kiss. She was very excited and she told me all about it. She then asked me to tell her about the first time I kissed a guy, what it was like, who it was with, etc. I had to make one up. I have never been kissed before. My sister is 6 years younger than me. FML

by Okay / 10/31/2009 at 11:59am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous