Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

by Thanks / 11/27/2009 at 6:36pm / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Miscellaneous

TheSuitGuy's comment : There's a reason the signs say 'Don't feed the animals'.

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Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 6:23pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my mom tried to give me advice on how to improve my looks. I scoffed at her but listened to her advice anyway. She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday." FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:45pm / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

by Nobody / 11/27/2009 at 4:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:24pm / United Kingdom (London) / Health

SomeonethingStup's comment : lol, Masturbating is now officially a sport and is approved by Doctors.

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Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 4:09pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I got in a hotel elevator. There was a kid in there also. He got off on the 3rd floor. As he was stepping from the elevator, he decided to press every single button. It's a 35 floor hotel. My room is on the 32nd floor. FML

by w0rstdayever / 11/27/2009 at 3:01pm / United States (New York) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

by Fmyoffice / 11/27/2009 at 2:51pm / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Work

Today, I went to my best friend's wedding. All my friends and their boyfriends were seated at one table, while I, as the only single girl in the group, was put on a table with all the other single people. They were all over forty years older than me. I feel like I have seen my future. FML

by singlegirl / 11/27/2009 at 1:16pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Love

Today, I was at a dinner with my dad's girlfriend's family. I met this guy who I found kind of cute and tried to talk to him a couple times. To avoid talking to me he started playing his PSP. I could see the screen perfectly and the PSP was clearly off. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 11:43am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got no happy birthday wishes from anyone. I decided to call my sister to see if she'd remembered. My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday. She said that it's tomorrow. After ten minutes of arguing with a 6-year-old, I checked the calendar. It's tomorrow. FML

by forgotmyownbirthday / 11/27/2009 at 9:26am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Phusion's comment : you're an idiot

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Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2009 at 9:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

by Nick / 11/27/2009 at 5:11am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Miscellaneous