Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

by loldick / 11/15/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

pleura's comment : Shut up, at least you're getting head.

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Today, I was really depressed so I talked on the phone with my best friend. She was telling me how a guy she really liked complimented her. I told her it was be nice to get at least one compliment. After a long silence she says, "You're really good with computers." FML

by Ugh / 11/15/2009 at 12:55pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

by Klepto / 11/15/2009 at 12:34pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2009 at 10:45am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2009 at 9:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

by shiiiiit / 11/15/2009 at 4:23am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2009 at 3:42am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

by irishbitch / 11/15/2009 at 2:51am / Love

emilysanftwsom's comment : I hope you dumped him.

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Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

by John / 11/15/2009 at 1:08am / Australia (Queensland) / Transportation

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

by Unknown / 11/15/2009 at 12:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

by hanmart / 11/15/2009 at 12:12am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

by Insensitive / 11/14/2009 at 5:26pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, my boyfriend gave me a bucket of Twizzlers for our 1 year anniversary because 'he knew I liked them.' He has no idea why I am so upset. FML

by Anonymous / 11/14/2009 at 4:59pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

giganticbrain's comment : Fucking take them and be happy, asshole.

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