Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

by chrono64 / 12/19/2009 at 9:40pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

by neednewfriends / 12/19/2009 at 6:21pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a surprise test for Economics. While taking the test, I put my head down so I could think. A while later, I awoke to the whole class turning in their test. I had to turn in my test incomplete. No questions answered, just my name, the date, and a pool of drool. FML

by Jrlloyd013 / 12/19/2009 at 5:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

by googly191 / 12/19/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

by heatproblems / 12/19/2009 at 3:10pm / United States (Maryland) / Money

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

by Anon / 12/19/2009 at 11:07am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

by ouch / 12/19/2009 at 10:15am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2009 at 6:53am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

by Madagascar / 12/19/2009 at 5:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

by embaressed / 12/19/2009 at 4:44am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally came home from a semester of college, and all my parents and sister can talk about is how bad my acne has gotten. FML

by honutattoo / 12/19/2009 at 3:29am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

by musicyman55 / 12/19/2009 at 2:48am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I took my first day off in 3 weeks just so I can sleep in. The office secretary woke me up at 7.12 am with a page wishing me a nice day off. FML

by Hareega / 12/19/2009 at 2:39am / United States (South Dakota) / Work