Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

by fml333 / 12/21/2009 at 2:26pm / Saudi Arabia / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend decided to give me my Christmas present early because he's going to his grandparents' house for Christmas and won't see me. I was excited, until I unwrapped a sweater that I left there a month ago. FML

by anonymous / 12/21/2009 at 2:23pm / United States / Love

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

by notpregnant / 12/21/2009 at 1:12pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years announced that he is not ready for marriage, and won’t be for 'at least' another 2 years. Of course he waited to tell me this 2 days after he had proposed to me in front of hundreds of people, I said yes, and we announced it to all our family members and friends. FML

by Agata / 12/21/2009 at 11:15am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

by johnG / 12/21/2009 at 10:23am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

InstaKarma's comment : Really dude? Way to go on procrastinating the divorce. Procrastination is a lot like masturbation. It may feel good at the time, but in the end you will have just fucked yourself. YDI for procrastinating AND getting another woman pregnant while you're at it. Moron.

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Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who is not me because her siblings and cousins do not accept me. FML

by theraarman / 12/21/2009 at 7:13am / Love

Today, it was our 6 month anniversary. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present or take me out to dinner. Instead he cried to me about how much he hates his life while he repeatedly punched himself in the face. Then he dropped me off to spend time with his mom. FML

by michelleccali / 12/21/2009 at 5:32am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Kervik's comment : Monthly anniversary? How stupid.

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Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2009 at 4:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2009 at 3:29am / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

DataWhore's comment : he was tired, give him a break, at least he grabbed ur ass before sleeping!

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Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was "labtop." I didn't learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she's 6. FML

by eliteslayer29 / 12/21/2009 at 2:04am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

by farmakakis / 12/21/2009 at 1:25am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

by goblue / 12/21/2009 at 12:20am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

by budapesthungary / 12/21/2009 at 12:16am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous