Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

by StrawberryJuicey / 12/13/2009 at 1:39pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

perdix's comment : If I was the ticket-taker, I'd say, "Hmmmm, 38 Double-D? Your theater will be in the men's room, last stall, I'll be there in 15 minutes."

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

by Trainwreck / 12/13/2009 at 12:56pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

by gabby / 12/13/2009 at 12:30pm / Canada / Transportation

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

by justine / 12/13/2009 at 11:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

by cagel / 12/13/2009 at 5:12am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 3:39am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

by Anon / 12/13/2009 at 2:36am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I finished moving cross-country and signed a 13 month lease to be closer to my on-again / off-again boyfriend of the past five years. I showed up at his place to borrow his truck just as his "local" girlfriend was leaving. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 2:22am / United States (Nevada) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

by soy_un_perderdor / 12/13/2009 at 2:14am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing happy birthday with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

by Thomas / 12/13/2009 at 1:46am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

by teeeessst / 12/13/2009 at 1:26am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

harmony88's comment : Surely you could have waited until you were at home to take the test....

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Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

by manutdlol / 12/13/2009 at 1:15am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML

by eggnoodles / 12/13/2009 at 12:44am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous