Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 8:57pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

ohhoho's comment : You failed as a parent...

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Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

by Frauded / 12/16/2009 at 8:42pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, after many, many attempts to get her out of my life, the girl that is stalking me told me that she loves me and our love can only be ended by her killing either herself or me. FML

by cheezmaster / 12/16/2009 at 6:55pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

by epiiphany / 12/16/2009 at 6:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was running the drive-thru window at work, when a man pulled up with his dog in the seat next to him. As he was counting out his change, the dog leaned over his hand and drooled all over it. Not only did he pay exclusively in coins, those coins were slimy from dog drool. FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 4:53pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, it looked like rain so I held out my hand to catch a raindrop. When I finally caught one, I closed my hand over it and ran to show my friends to prove it was raining. I opened my hand saying, "Look! It's raining!" When I looked down, I saw that I had actually caught a bird shit. FML

by smellyhand / 12/16/2009 at 4:11pm / United States (Alabama) / Animals

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 3:53pm / United Kingdom (London) / Love

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

by Andy / 12/16/2009 at 3:43pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 2:28pm / United States / Love

georgiegirl's comment : DUMP HIM NOW!

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Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

by eww657 / 12/16/2009 at 10:43am / United Kingdom (Bracknell Forest) / Love

Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML

by ohhi_itsme123 / 12/16/2009 at 7:33am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 7:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I decided to head out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

by watchmaker / 12/16/2009 at 4:37am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous