Today, I woke up to a quite frigid room, which wasn't out of the ordinary since my building's heat is broken. But I realized that the extra cold I was feeling was due to the snow piled up on my bed. It had snowed 20 inches last night. My mom had apparently opened my window. FML

by Lapis / 12/20/2009 at 2:42pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

by kat, ACT / 12/20/2009 at 9:37am / United States / Transportation

Today, my grandparents thought it would be acceptable to give me and my wife Christmas presents to take to my ex-wife, along with a card saying how much they missed her and to get in touch with them next time she is in town. FML

by B-Rizzle / 12/20/2009 at 8:40am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

by Surfinbird09 / 12/20/2009 at 7:58am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Love

Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2009 at 6:03am / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2009 at 3:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

by Catholicguy / 12/20/2009 at 3:14am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

by nikko blue / 12/20/2009 at 2:52am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

by VCR / 12/20/2009 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy

lolwhat's comment : ...WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD UP why the fuck were you in his pillow?!

See all the comments

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

by Van / 12/20/2009 at 1:32am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

by StayedHome89 / 12/20/2009 at 1:25am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

by Fml37 / 12/20/2009 at 12:13am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2009 at 12:04am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous