Today, my grandma called me to tell me that a couple of cute boys stopped by her house to borrow something. She told them all about me, and that I would be interested in them. My love life is so pathetic, even my grandmother is trying to hook me up. FML

by loveless / 02/18/2010 at 12:07am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I went in to my local cafe for my morning coffee. I was chatting to the barista as she was making it, and I mentioned that I was starting a new diet. She goes, "Oh that's great! I've been sneaking skimmed milk in your coffee for years, I didn't want to say anything..." FML

by Skimilk / 02/17/2010 at 9:47pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

by WTFsalad / 02/17/2010 at 9:46pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

by noosher0990 / 02/17/2010 at 7:30pm / Intimacy

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

by missunlucky / 02/17/2010 at 7:24pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2010 at 3:44pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

by ceilingssuck / 02/17/2010 at 3:18pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

by tj85 / 02/17/2010 at 2:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my husband decided to be helpful and do all the laundry, including pre-treating all the stains. He felt that Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach would be the most effective. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2010 at 1:52pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, while serving a rather large party at the restaurant where I work, I mentioned that the soup of the day was "to die for". After the hosts gave me weird looks, it dawned on me that the reason they were wearing all black is because they've just come back from a funeral. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2010 at 11:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, as I was about to leave my house in my brand new heels, I stepped on a dead mouse. My heel went through it. FML

by juwkgo / 02/17/2010 at 10:05am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

by ugamayne / 02/17/2010 at 7:50am / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

by LoveDrug / 02/17/2010 at 5:49am / Ireland / Love