Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2010 at 12:22am / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

by mysterygurll1234567 / 01/20/2010 at 12:09am / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

by NYCguy / 01/19/2010 at 10:59pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

xMrAndyTranx's comment : What a bitch and take her to court

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Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

by sportyhusband / 01/19/2010 at 10:46pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

tyrob911's comment : why do women complain when men masturbate? that's what men do when yall don't step up to the mic. or would you rather he cheat on you with another lady? ydi for not rocking the mic right

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Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2010 at 9:33pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

by maximus / 01/19/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I walked into my class, someone shouted at me, "Wild Snorlax Appeared! Use Your Ultra Balls!", since I am overweight and everyone in class laughed at me. I got made fun of by Pokémon nerds. FML

by snorlax / 01/19/2010 at 7:03pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

by kappaomicron / 01/19/2010 at 6:18pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I had to go to court to see whether my drivers license is suspended for an entire year. I woke up early, went to court, and everything went perfectly, with all the charges being dropped. Unfortunately, I then woke up, and am now going to be late. FML

by haus / 01/19/2010 at 2:38pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I sent my boss a link to a website I thought would answer a simple question she'd asked. Turns out, yes, the site did answer her question, but it also had some very suggestive ads on it. Apparently I'm the only person in the office who uses adblock. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2010 at 2:26pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

by addie19 / 01/19/2010 at 2:25pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML

by PiMan / 01/19/2010 at 2:20pm / United States (Alaska) / Work

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

by magicalDEATH / 01/19/2010 at 12:42pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous