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Today, an extremely large lady came into the dry cleaners where I work. She puts what I assume is a blanket on the counter to be dry cleaned. I said, "So just the one blanket then?" She replied, "Those are my pants, not a blanket." She was a size 56. FML

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

#141258
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36220) - you deserved it (8443)

On 02/26/2009 at 3:17am - misc - by MadameM (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, there was a luncheon at work in another dept. We all went to get some free food and see new faces. There was a hot girl walking around chatting. I grabbed my buddy's arm and told him there was a "nice pair of tits here" He saw her. It's his daughter. She's a new-hire... running HR. FML

#141211
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12200) - you deserved it (45756)

On 02/26/2009 at 3:07am - work - by bluecollar (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

#139747
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (76179) - you deserved it (18770)

On 02/25/2009 at 11:51pm - intimacy - by jsw029 (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

#139235
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52187) - you deserved it (19983)

On 02/25/2009 at 11:09pm - intimacy - by sopathetic (woman) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

#138466
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52941) - you deserved it (4449)

On 02/25/2009 at 10:12pm - misc - by MADfml - United States (Virginia)

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

#138318
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14191) - you deserved it (68437)

On 02/25/2009 at 10:01pm - intimacy - by banana (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I went to have dessert with my boyfriend. We ordered some Jello. I said that I loved Jello because it is so fun and jiggly. My boyfriend said, "Like you. Except the fun part". FML

#137765
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44764) - you deserved it (5218)

On 02/25/2009 at 9:23pm - misc - by Jello (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

#137064
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65166) - you deserved it (8472)

On 02/25/2009 at 8:31pm - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

#135942
26 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8923) - you deserved it (34947)

On 02/25/2009 at 6:56pm - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

#135843
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49994) - you deserved it (14545)

On 02/25/2009 at 6:46pm - misc - by pk24 - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

#135663
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22472) - you deserved it (35144)

On 02/25/2009 at 6:29pm - misc - by ouch (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

#135625
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63660) - you deserved it (8173)

On 02/25/2009 at 6:26pm - intimacy - by notmyday (man) - United States (Florida)



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