Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

by troubled / 01/02/2010 at 3:27pm / Money

Today, while at work I went to use the public restroom because I had a severe case of diarrhea. All went well until the timed sensor lights went off and I couldn't leave my stall to get them back on. I sat there for thirty minutes in pure darkness. FML

by Bathroom Problems / 01/02/2010 at 2:24pm / France / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

by xxxzzzooo / 01/02/2010 at 12:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

by uhhggggg / 01/02/2010 at 12:16pm / Intimacy

Today, while working my overnight shift, I went into the isolation room to find some items for a former client. The door fell shut and the magnetic lock went to work. Both unit telephones and my cell phone were lying on the desk, and I waited four hours for my supervisor to rescue me. FML

by ducky2721 / 01/02/2010 at 8:46am / United States (Colorado) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

by pissfaced / 01/02/2010 at 8:41am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2010 at 8:33am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

by Lonely / 01/02/2010 at 5:30am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

by cmilla / 01/02/2010 at 4:18am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

by Labelme / 01/02/2010 at 3:26am / United States / Work

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2010 at 2:50am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

by couturier / 01/02/2010 at 2:08am / Health

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

by Lisa / 01/02/2010 at 2:02am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy