Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

by anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 8:21pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

anonacs's comment : Get out now.

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Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

by creeped / 12/28/2009 at 7:50pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered "Well, she is masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!". FML

by notexactly / 12/28/2009 at 7:48pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Intimacy

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 7:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

by SpaceAstronaut / 12/28/2009 at 4:42pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

by Butter_Cup / 12/28/2009 at 4:39pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

by ahh / 12/28/2009 at 4:37pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

by lovehurts / 12/28/2009 at 3:41pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

somepartsareme's comment : Fake, you couldn't have balls, you broke up with her over the phone.

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Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

by syco / 12/28/2009 at 12:17pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

by Spac3Ghost / 12/28/2009 at 12:08pm / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

by disapointed girl / 12/28/2009 at 11:58am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I needed to job shadow someone for my winter break career project. Not finding someone to take me along to their job, my mom suggested shadowing my dad. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I went with him. All day I sat and helped him test human poop samples for parasites. Some was diarrhea. FML

by kawaiixalice / 12/28/2009 at 10:14am / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

by For / 12/28/2009 at 9:00am / United States (Florida) / Love