Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

by StretchNuts / 03/11/2010 at 7:50am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I congratulated my friend for getting engaged. This is the fourth friend of mine this year that has become engaged. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. FML

by Lonely / 03/11/2010 at 7:16am / New Zealand / Love

Today, I walk out of my apartment to find that my car is decorated with explicit drawings and "Happy 21st birthday" stuff written all over it. To top it off, my vehicle is completely wrapped in plastic wrap. I'm 22 and my birthday is in December. FML

by er1133 / 03/11/2010 at 7:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

by ShowOff / 03/11/2010 at 3:13am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's the third anniversary of when I started looking for a new job. I'm still working at the job that made me want to get a new one and I haven't even had an interview for another one in almost two years. My Master's degree on the wall is looking more and more like a roll of toilet paper. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2010 at 1:45am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I was awoken by a conversation my mom was having with my dog upstairs. She was telling my dog that a ghost lives in our house. She was completely serious. The ghost even has a name and a backstory. FML

by stuckathome / 03/11/2010 at 12:30am / United States / Animals

Today, I found out the electric bill I have been paying was on my old house. I found this out when they shut off the power to my house. FML

by secret / 03/11/2010 at 12:18am / United States (Minnesota) / Money

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Nebraska) / Health

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

by ohemgee / 03/10/2010 at 10:03pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2010 at 9:48pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I was eating a hotdog. My huge Siberian Husky, upon becoming aware of this, jumped up on me. He forced his tongue into my mouth and ate the food I was in the middle of eating. FML

by EpicUsername / 03/10/2010 at 8:14pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

by cmore / 03/10/2010 at 8:10pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

by penpendesrapen / 03/10/2010 at 7:40pm / Philippines (Manila) / Work