Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don't scratch it, it itches terribly. FML

by kaylajere / 05/26/2010 at 4:17am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

by customerservicesucks / 05/26/2010 at 12:26am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was "Nice Weather?" FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2010 at 7:33pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

by DHarman / 05/25/2010 at 7:06pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

by AdamFoundHisEve / 05/25/2010 at 3:08pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

by Username / 05/25/2010 at 8:32am / Health

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

by Jimbo / 05/25/2010 at 5:29am / United States (Armed Forces Pacific) / Work

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

by Ouchhh / 05/25/2010 at 2:54am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

by laurenraeee / 05/25/2010 at 1:18am / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

by alyssac11 / 05/25/2010 at 12:55am / United States (Michigan) / Geek

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

by Laptop / 05/25/2010 at 12:44am / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They moved without telling me. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2010 at 1:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I have dandruff when a chick passed by and said out loud to her friends: "That dude's hair is having an early Xmas!" FML

by Dandruff / 05/24/2010 at 12:14pm / Health