Today, I was very sick, and my boyfriend was taking care of me at his parents' house. I was laying on the couch, innocently watching a movie while he rubbed my feet, when his stepmother came home from work. She freaked out, accused us of having it off on her couch, and kicked me out. FML

by Greymoya / 02/24/2010 at 9:18am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I felt a lump of something in the corner of my mouth. Naturally assuming it would be a bit of food that my toothbrush had dislodged, I spat it out into the sink. It was a woodlouse. FML

by puzzled / 02/24/2010 at 7:58am / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 2 year old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

by janesays / 02/24/2010 at 2:45am / United States / Kids

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

by argh / 02/24/2010 at 1:29am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, before my date came to pick me up, I put tissues under my arms so I wouldn't leave wet marks. I forgot to remove them, and when we got physical, they fell out, looking like I'd stuffed my bra. FML

by kiki / 02/24/2010 at 12:54am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

by ks0300 / 02/24/2010 at 12:47am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went for a job briefing, and after that was told to do some editing for them. When I asked the person whether I was paid for the day, she laughed and said no. She was serious. FML

by synn / 02/24/2010 at 12:19am / Singapore / Work

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

by anonymous / 02/24/2010 at 12:05am / United States (Montana) / Intimacy

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2010 at 11:22pm / United States (Kentucky) / Money

Today, I was chatting with a cute guy on Omegle. He seemed really friendly and interested after I had showed him a picture of me. When I mentioned that I play music, he seemed even more interested, so I gave him the link to my music Myspace. I waited patiently. He disconnected. FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2010 at 10:41pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

by susan / 02/23/2010 at 8:26pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was feeling really stressed so I bought some nice stress relieving lotion. When I got home, I took it out of the bag and accidentally dropped it (not realizing it was made of glass). The bottle shattered into pieces and I even cut my finger on one piece. So much for relieving stress. FML

by Stress / 02/23/2010 at 7:56pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend's cousin. After trying to stick his finger up my butt, he blacked out on top of me with his penis still hard inside me. I tried yelling his name and pushing him off, with no success. I ended up having to call my friend to help me. FML

by lendahandmanda / 02/23/2010 at 7:01pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.