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Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

#1479670
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14295) - you deserved it (49664)

On 04/30/2009 at 12:52am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had a dentist appointment after class so I threw my electric toothbrush in my backpack so I could brush my teeth before. In the middle of class the toothbrush turns on and the vibrations could be heard throughout the classroom. They yelled at me "Jess has a vibrator!" FML

#1479634
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45115) - you deserved it (9230)

On 04/30/2009 at 12:51am - misc - by jess (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

#1475511
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (81717) - you deserved it (8020)

On 04/29/2009 at 10:11pm - love - by cgold (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

#1475433
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68171) - you deserved it (9007)

On 04/29/2009 at 10:09pm - intimacy - by ohmyx3 (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

#1475224
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62577) - you deserved it (4254)

On 04/29/2009 at 10:03pm - misc - by prego (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

#1475215
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100653) - you deserved it (16269)

On 04/29/2009 at 10:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was babysitting a four year old. He was mad and began hitting me. I told him to use his words not his fists when he's mad. He then began telling me how much he hated me and that I should go die and never come back. FML

#1474084
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45025) - you deserved it (17387)

On 04/29/2009 at 9:34pm - kids - by GirlinGreen - United States (Washington)

Today, I went for lunch at a Chinese restaurant near my home that I have never eaten at before. It was so good I went back tonight for more, and the restaurant has been boarded up. It is closed due to food contamination. Inspections happened today. I ate contaminated food for lunch today. FML

#1471492
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47894) - you deserved it (3780)

On 04/29/2009 at 8:42pm - health - by tinfoilnirvana (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

#1470425
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41393) - you deserved it (10012)

On 04/29/2009 at 8:14pm - misc - by BrandNewKadillak - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

#1467567
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11044) - you deserved it (73270)

On 04/29/2009 at 7:12pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

#1466459
299 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18586) - you deserved it (89383)

On 04/29/2009 at 6:46pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

#1454784
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65782) - you deserved it (4826)

On 04/29/2009 at 12:30pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

#1453860
314 comments

I agree, your life sucks (149123) - you deserved it (11861)

On 04/29/2009 at 11:47am - intimacy - by fingerfuckd (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

sbcpunkrocker's comment : that's your cue to leave her, run away as fast as you can

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