Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

by fatflabbyfail / 02/20/2010 at 1:09am / United States (South Carolina) / Health

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

by VahnSeiro / 02/20/2010 at 1:04am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

 Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

by izhamilton / 02/20/2010 at 12:30am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

by monochromatic / 02/19/2010 at 10:13pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 9:21pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, I lost the beautiful necklace my boyfriend gave me for Valentine's day. I looked everywhere, and couldn't find it. My sister held the bag while I dug through the stinking trash, then after I cleaned everything up, took it out of her pocket and said she was pretending it was lost. FML

by beezybees / 02/19/2010 at 8:54pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

by anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 8:47pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Intimacy

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

by ouch / 02/19/2010 at 7:37pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

by lexiiiiiiweee / 02/19/2010 at 5:00pm / United States / Health

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 3:36pm / United States (Iowa) / Kids

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 3:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

by wtfuraretard / 02/19/2010 at 3:18pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I was walking to work, when I slipped and landed on my tail bone. Worse still, my hot coffee went flying into my face. I currently can't see out of my left eye. FML

by corleon198425 / 02/19/2010 at 1:44pm / United States / Health