Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

by humiliated / 02/26/2010 at 5:21am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

by princess4242 / 02/26/2010 at 4:10am / India (Delhi) / Miscellaneous

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

by ilovecowboys / 02/26/2010 at 4:09am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Transportation

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to yell out "Pass us the bong, Emma!" while I was on the phone to my mother. FML

by UnfortunateGirly / 02/26/2010 at 3:30am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

by single now / 02/26/2010 at 12:07am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

by Julia / 02/26/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

by cmendez / 02/26/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

by Katrina641 / 02/25/2010 at 11:20pm / Intimacy

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

by ifaisal / 02/25/2010 at 10:05pm / Qatar (Ad Dawhah) / Love

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

by MUemma / 02/25/2010 at 7:33pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

by djshahso / 02/25/2010 at 7:14pm / United States / Health

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. FML

by ryan and Zack / 02/25/2010 at 5:30pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

by hatemyjob / 02/25/2010 at 5:29pm / United States (Maryland) / Work