Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

by ditched?? / 08/06/2010 at 5:05am / United States / Love

Today, I was texting my boyfriend about yesterday, where he told me how much he loved me, and he wishes we lived closer. I asked him if he really meant it. Turns out he was drunk, and had no idea what he was talking about. FML

by rachaaaaeul / 08/06/2010 at 3:07am / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

by riahta / 08/06/2010 at 2:45am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

by Shouldaknown / 08/06/2010 at 1:12am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

by rugs / 08/06/2010 at 12:40am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

by JDLAX1924 / 08/05/2010 at 7:24pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2010 at 4:30pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I got home from work to find the door locked and dead bolted, so I used my cell to call the home phone while banging on the door. My stepmom came out of her room, looked right at me, laughed, and went back to bed. This is the fifth time she's done this. FML

by Tired / 08/05/2010 at 2:38pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

by kiki / 08/05/2010 at 2:24pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

by Luke / 08/05/2010 at 1:00pm / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Love

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

by 8to10days / 08/05/2010 at 7:14am / United Kingdom / Money

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

by Somethingswrongwiththispic / 08/05/2010 at 4:17am / United States / Health

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

by Drew / 08/05/2010 at 1:18am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy