Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

by bathroomblunder / 03/06/2010 at 9:38pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent the night with my boyfriend as he promised me that his parents and younger brother, who I have yet to meet, were out of town until Tuesday. We were awoken by his mother screaming, telling me that she doesn't want girls in the house corrupting her baby boy. He's 20. FML

by Living_Loving / 03/06/2010 at 8:21pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

by Octobre / 03/06/2010 at 8:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML

by uneducated / 03/06/2010 at 7:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2010 at 7:32pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

thongs4lyfe's comment : omfg!!!!! I've used glow in the dark condoms before!!!!! sooooo much fun to watch go in and out! and to play wit, it's like a lite saber!!!!!!

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Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

by ThoroughlyCreepedOut / 03/06/2010 at 7:22pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

by Lucy / 03/06/2010 at 5:44pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

by smarie09 / 03/06/2010 at 5:44pm / Canada (Alberta) / Geek

Today, my husband bought me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday, to match the necklace he'd spent months searching for online the previous year. What necklace? He gave me a watch he found at Walmart last year. I wonder who the lucky girl with the necklace is. FML

by happybirthday / 03/06/2010 at 2:42pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2010 at 12:13pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed: standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my brand new car. FML

by Coldflame / 03/06/2010 at 10:22am / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

by ICantBelieveThis / 03/06/2010 at 9:31am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

by Fatty / 03/06/2010 at 8:05am / United States (Ohio) / Kids