Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 2:36am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancé proposed to me. I was really excited until he asked, "Can we go halfsies on the ring?" FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 1:28am / United States (Illinois) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

by andibartle / 10/18/2010 at 12:39am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 12:10am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

by kitty / 10/17/2010 at 10:54pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML

by jfranklin / 10/17/2010 at 9:39pm / United States / Love

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2010 at 8:27pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that instead of being a harmless way to relax after a rough day, parking in an empty lot apparently means you are either dealing drugs or want to commit suicide. I was detained, my car was searched and I was grilled about my happiness. Great stress relief, eh? FML

by takeitandrun / 10/17/2010 at 7:38pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

takeitandrun's comment : I'm OP, and not Canadian... nearish Denver, CO To be fair, it is a little suspicious and I understand that, but they seemed to already have their mind made up when they came to my window that I was up to something, even after I explained the situation. I have an hour+ commute between home and work and after an awful day at work and in general I needed a few minutes to chill out before making that drive. The lot was empty and out of anyone's way so I parked and was there maybe five minutes before the police pulled up. And to the questions - I did not consent to a search, one of the officers that arrived had a dog and when he took it around the outside of the car it hinted on the passenger side - nothing was in the car but I had a friend in the car the night before that has a medical marijuana card so the dog probably caught that scent. Something that I also explained to the officers. But that was enough to give them probable cause and so they searched my car, finding nothing. That all took probably twenty minutes and then they continued to question me for another twenty or so about if I was going to hurt myself and related things. It was pretty ridiculous, but at least they let me go.

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Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

by Nobody / 10/17/2010 at 1:17pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called my parents to wish them a happy 28th anniversary. Now my mom's mad at my dad for forgetting, and my dad's mad at me for reminding her. FML

by JustCantWin / 10/17/2010 at 1:08pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

by Lauren Smith / 10/17/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

by Ashley Marshburn / 10/17/2010 at 9:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

by baddoggy / 10/17/2010 at 4:13am / United States (California) / Animals