Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

by HairyLeggedItalian / 05/24/2010 at 1:21am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

by blahblah / 05/24/2010 at 12:14am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

by Unlucky / 05/23/2010 at 8:22pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

by THANKS4theINFO / 05/23/2010 at 7:15pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, was parent appreciation day at my daughter's KG class. On the stage, each child was asked to define each parent in one word. When it was my daughter's turn, she looked at me hard, thinking. Finally, in the end she said, "My daddy is very fat." Everybody stared. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2010 at 7:00pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

by rkl2010 / 05/23/2010 at 2:02pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, the supervisory staff at work was changed in my area. The good news? My boyfriend is now my manager. The bad news? My ex, the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, is our supervisor. FML

by nick_of_time / 05/23/2010 at 10:23am / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

by Oops / 05/23/2010 at 5:21am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

by Maxie-Nathanial / 05/23/2010 at 5:10am / United States / Intimacy

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

by coltsfoot / 05/23/2010 at 5:08am / Norway (Ostfold) / Intimacy

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

by Around / 05/23/2010 at 3:29am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

by EmbarrassedDaughter / 05/23/2010 at 3:27am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I was at dentist to get impressions made. The hygienist put way too much of the plaster stuff on the press. She put it in my mouth and asked if I was okay, I shook my head no and promptly vomited. It sat at the back of my throat and I could not spit it out until the plaster hardened. FML

by gpistas / 05/23/2010 at 2:08am / United States / Health