Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

by sissydlk / 12/02/2010 at 10:54am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend informed me via text message that he had moved to Bristol, and the reason he had ignored me the past fortnight was because he didn't know how to tell me. He knew he was moving even before we even got together. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 10:36am / United Kingdom (Doncaster) / Love

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

by mrdentist / 12/02/2010 at 8:20am / Love

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

by e / 12/02/2010 at 4:24am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 3:11am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 12:43am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

by agentile / 12/01/2010 at 8:14pm / United States / Love

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 7:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 6:02pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

by sumerflame07 / 12/01/2010 at 3:18pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 2:35pm / United States / Geek

Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

by Username / 12/01/2010 at 2:04pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2010 at 9:14am / Work