Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

by Tai / 10/31/2010 at 9:30am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

perdix's comment : You're going to have shitty kids.

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Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 5:05am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2010 at 12:25am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

by Disappointed / 10/31/2010 at 12:06am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML

by yummy(: / 10/30/2010 at 10:14pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

by tht1chk / 10/30/2010 at 8:37pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2010 at 8:00pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2010 at 7:55pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Kids

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

by demaris / 10/30/2010 at 7:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic-Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up... out my left nostril. FML

by DeepTaccer / 10/30/2010 at 5:28pm / United Kingdom (Norfolk) / Health

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

by idiot / 10/30/2010 at 4:42pm / France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur) / Kids

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

by Shelly / 10/30/2010 at 2:09pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2010 at 10:00am / Japan (Tokyo) / Miscellaneous