Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML

by neckcrack / 09/07/2010 at 6:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2010 at 6:17am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

by slingshot / 09/07/2010 at 1:53am / United States / Health

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2010 at 1:00am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

by Today / 09/06/2010 at 10:26pm / United States / Love

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

by newdad / 09/06/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my daughter asked for a dollar to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck while I was on my computer working. Out of my wallet she took a fifty dollar bill. The ice cream man got a big tip before driving off. FML

by BrokebyKids / 09/06/2010 at 4:26pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2010 at 2:01pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

by jackson / 09/06/2010 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

by sad-sexed / 09/06/2010 at 8:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

callmecourtney's comment : YDI. If you didn't want to have sex, then you should have told him that you wouldn't have sex.

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Today, after a few months of my neighbors friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML

by Myself / 09/06/2010 at 6:45am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

by mlove / 09/06/2010 at 4:35am / United States (Hawaii) / Love

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

by anonymous / 09/06/2010 at 3:37am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy