Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

by TheCrackerNinja / 11/25/2010 at 7:55pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I woke up to the face of Billy, the puppet from Saw, staring down at me. I was so scared, I wet myself instantly. It was my cousin in a mask, who is staying over for Thanksgiving weekend. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

by sadstorylifee / 11/25/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 6:39pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

by El Camino / 11/25/2010 at 4:01pm / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, my dad was completely engrossed in a football game on TV, so, trying to be cute and funny, my mom flashed him. He didn't notice, but I did. FML

by blenderbookf / 11/25/2010 at 1:33pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 1:18pm / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 12:54pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

by Seline / 11/25/2010 at 9:48am / Animals

Today, my best friend, with whom I have been in love for years, kissed me, hugged me, held my hand, hooked up with me and told me that he loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me... until he sobered up and his girlfriend got back to town. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 8:41am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my six-month-old daughter decided to explore my nose, and before I could stop her she shoved her thumb deep in there. She thought it was hilarious when blood started gushing down my shirt. My nose is agony to touch and I still had to clean her up first. FML

by Anonymous / 11/25/2010 at 8:28am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Health

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

by Tom / 11/25/2010 at 8:28am / Transportation

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

by Peter / 11/25/2010 at 5:25am / Work