Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

by anonymous.. / 09/02/2010 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

by nakedyogagirl / 09/02/2010 at 8:16pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, "Hey, you don't look like crap today." FML

by AmICrappyEveryOtherDay / 09/02/2010 at 7:51pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

by Buzzie / 09/02/2010 at 5:09pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my employers hired me under the assumption that I was gay. Apparently, they are attempting to be perceived as more open-minded. I'm not gay, but I'm afraid being straight could cost me my job. FML

by confused / 09/02/2010 at 5:09pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

by whatthewoah / 09/02/2010 at 2:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

by flimflam / 09/02/2010 at 1:39pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML

by Sickie. / 09/02/2010 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

by hatesgravity / 09/02/2010 at 7:40am / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

by coyote / 09/02/2010 at 3:25am / Japan / Health

Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I'll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

by anyone / 09/02/2010 at 12:48am / Lebanon (Beyrouth) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

by jodulieu / 09/01/2010 at 10:31pm / Health