Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML

by S / 01/09/2011 at 5:18am / Singapore / Intimacy

Today, I went to school prepared to speak in front of a whole bunch of kids and talk about how great my middle school is. I spent an hour on the speech and took the 45 minute drive there. Turns out the coordinator of the school only called me in to pass out brochures. FML

by sureloved97 / 01/09/2011 at 2:14am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2011 at 12:26am / United States / Health

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2011 at 8:11pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Murn's comment : That cat is a hero.

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Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML

by lizard / 01/08/2011 at 7:22pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2011 at 5:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

by qx5 / 01/08/2011 at 5:05pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Money

Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML

by niiiiiiiiiikki / 01/08/2011 at 3:35pm / United States (Kansas) / Work

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2011 at 3:15pm / Netherlands (Friesland) / Love

Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML

by Lily / 01/08/2011 at 11:01am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2011 at 10:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, my husband of 19 years took our children out for dinner, told them he's gay, then sent them home to tell me for him. FML

by trifioso / 01/08/2011 at 8:56am / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm getting over strep throat. The antibiotics they gave me make me have diarrhea unless I eat yogurt in between each pill. That wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't lactose-intolerant. Yogurt gives me really bad gas. So I have to choose between painful gas or diarrhea. FML

by anon7113 / 01/08/2011 at 5:16am / United States (Washington) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.