Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2010 at 5:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

by vikinggirl / 09/13/2010 at 5:14am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

by edwinduarte1 / 09/13/2010 at 2:49am / Miscellaneous

Today, I got the car of my dreams. My daughter also learned how to write her name. Now I have "LAUREN" across the side of my car. FML

by llozano715 / 09/13/2010 at 1:41am / Kids

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML

by nickim756 / 09/12/2010 at 10:29pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

by Username / 09/12/2010 at 9:38pm / Kids

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2010 at 8:10pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

by tenthousandspoon / 09/12/2010 at 8:08pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Kids

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2010 at 12:56pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

by yeahno / 09/12/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

by Username / 09/12/2010 at 10:46am / Intimacy

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2010 at 10:04am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

by mrsfantastic / 09/12/2010 at 10:02am / United Kingdom / Love

yeahthatsrite's comment : dump that asshole

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