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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

#1798855
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42167) - you deserved it (2777)

On 05/10/2009 at 12:18am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

#1797084
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55912) - you deserved it (4928)

On 05/09/2009 at 11:38pm - health - by busybee (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

#1793303
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27497) - you deserved it (44777)

On 05/09/2009 at 10:05pm - work - by Failoffel (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

#1792856
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55446) - you deserved it (2286)

On 05/09/2009 at 9:48pm - misc - by charlie (woman) - United States (Delaware)

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

#1791192
251 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22204) - you deserved it (76848)

On 05/09/2009 at 9:04pm - intimacy - by Jeremy (man) - United States (California)

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

#1783104
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15654) - you deserved it (71382)

On 05/09/2009 at 4:38pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

#1782670
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69303) - you deserved it (5904)

On 05/09/2009 at 4:18pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

#1782445
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39274) - you deserved it (4341)

On 05/09/2009 at 4:11pm - animals - by jonboy (man) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I was playing with my phone and turned it on lock mode. I changed my lock code a few months ago, so that no one would be able to guess it. Turns out I can't guess it either. FML

#1780717
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9292) - you deserved it (49113)

On 05/09/2009 at 3:06pm - misc - by ugheffmylife - United States (California)

Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home she thanked me over and over again and then said "thank god you have no life!" FML

#1777144
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48973) - you deserved it (3731)

On 05/09/2009 at 12:49pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

#1775896
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28759) - you deserved it (74834)

On 05/09/2009 at 11:51am - intimacy - by notsexy (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

#1775863
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32917) - you deserved it (21546)

On 05/09/2009 at 11:50am - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

#1775796
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16715) - you deserved it (69296)

On 05/09/2009 at 11:48am - love - by rawkdinosawr (woman) - United Kingdom (London)



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