Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

by Username / 12/15/2010 at 12:22pm / United Kingdom (Reading) / Money

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

by penisgrabber / 12/15/2010 at 12:07pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My ex-girlfriend, who I had broken up with the day before, had set my car on fire. I had just finished restoring it. I was going to insure it today. FML

Today, my boss is being so cheap, he'd rather type in the dark, not fix our water heater or replace our cordless phone because he will not get his bonus if he goes over the budget. FML

by blahmylife / 12/15/2010 at 11:16am / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

by mom2010 / 12/15/2010 at 10:07am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

by mugged / 12/15/2010 at 6:58am / Germany (Hessen) / Miscellaneous

Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was "I farted". Well, at least they all laughed. FML

by Mike / 12/15/2010 at 6:57am / Work

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

by Olive14 / 12/15/2010 at 1:15am / Animals

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2010 at 12:48am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2010 at 12:42am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

by anonymous / 12/15/2010 at 12:27am / Work

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2010 at 12:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

by fufu_mutt / 12/14/2010 at 11:24pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals