Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

by Karl / 02/21/2011 at 6:43am / Miscellaneous

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

by meme71 / 02/21/2011 at 5:22am / Health

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

by Jules / 02/21/2011 at 2:59am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML

by Josie / 02/21/2011 at 2:46am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

by anonymous / 02/21/2011 at 12:01am / Intimacy

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2011 at 10:28pm / Canada / Health

NJXD's comment : Are you a pornstar if not I would consider a career change

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barge in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML

by killmenow / 02/20/2011 at 8:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2011 at 7:19pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

by :/ / 02/20/2011 at 1:44pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

About3goats's comment : Dick

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Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

by Michelle / 02/20/2011 at 12:45pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML

by Infected / 02/20/2011 at 12:30pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

by bouncekitty / 02/20/2011 at 12:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

by Justme / 02/20/2011 at 7:23am / United States / Intimacy