Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

by fistpumpin4life / 10/09/2010 at 8:51pm / Work

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

by nikki / 10/09/2010 at 8:47pm / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I passed a car, and heard a baby crying in the back seat. It was hot and no one was around. All the doors were locked so I broke it with a rock, cutting my arm and setting the alarm off. Only to find out that it was a realistic baby doll. I have to get 7 stitches and pay for the window. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 7:32pm / Antigua and Barbuda (Saint John) / Transportation

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 5:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

by Sean / 10/09/2010 at 4:54pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 4:00pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 2:33pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

by Kiimmy / 10/09/2010 at 10:36am / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I was in the elevator with my new boss. He asked things like "How are you?" "How's your day going?" and "What's for dinner?" I answered everything and tried to make small talk. I then noticed that he was wearing a bluetooth and was talking to someone else. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 5:41am / United States (California) / Work

Today, in math class, I got an answer "wrong." The teacher yelled at me, then he realized that my answer was correct. Then he yelled at me for not correcting him. FML

by jessii / 10/09/2010 at 4:22am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 2:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

by sister_woes / 10/09/2010 at 2:36am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2010 at 1:15am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Intimacy