Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

by ash / 01/04/2011 at 4:09pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 3:28pm / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

DocBastard's comment : If you hit a parked car, it's your goddamned fault. I hope the owners take your bank statement, hack into your account, and use your own money to pay for the damage you caused.

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Today, my boyfriend decided to re-enact a scene from Family Guy. He locked me in the car with him and farted deadly ones repeatedly. He wouldn't let me out until I learned to "love the gas." FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 3:09pm / Reserved / Love

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (York) / Animals

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

by clumsy / 01/04/2011 at 10:47am / Health

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 9:49am / United States (Vermont) / Animals

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

by LoveMyNewBro / 01/04/2011 at 5:56am / Intimacy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 4:01am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

Today, I took my daughter to the library instead of the pool. I sat her on the counter and, while I reached for my library card, she turned to the librarian and said "We didn't go to the pool today because Mum has hairy legs." FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 3:05am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, between my cats scratching every surface they can find, my boyfriend's snoring, and the dog barking at every slight noise outside, I'm unlikely to ever get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 2:30am / United States / Animals

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2011 at 2:12am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 11:19pm / United States / Love

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2011 at 10:35pm / United States (New York) / Work