Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

by ad4 / 01/31/2011 at 6:11pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

by anon / 01/31/2011 at 5:46pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

xMrAndyTranx's comment : why're you complaining now everyone knows you're a great fuck

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Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

by yournick / 01/31/2011 at 4:23pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

by imsadnow / 01/31/2011 at 3:01pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2011 at 12:35pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

by Username / 01/31/2011 at 10:47am / Intimacy

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

by kkkk / 01/31/2011 at 10:44am / Work

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

by Micawber / 01/31/2011 at 8:55am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Money

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

by mentallyscarred / 01/31/2011 at 4:34am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

by freckleboy422 / 01/31/2011 at 4:28am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

by Thanh Quang / 01/31/2011 at 12:58am / Love

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

by f / 01/31/2011 at 12:47am / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

by gotnogame / 01/30/2011 at 10:13pm / United States (Arizona) / Love