Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

by coeurdlucky / 10/19/2010 at 1:20am / United States / Health

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

by losingit / 10/19/2010 at 12:30am / United States (California) / Love

FFML_314's comment : That's when you tell her that you don't want to be with someone who's been banged more times than a screen door.

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Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

by S3R1AL K1LL3R X / 10/19/2010 at 12:21am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

by haayloo / 10/18/2010 at 10:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

by the_music_major / 10/18/2010 at 9:09pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 8:23pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 7:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

by bjevilcat2 / 10/18/2010 at 2:02pm / United States / Health

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 12:01pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

by Username / 10/18/2010 at 11:52am / Transportation

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2010 at 10:24am / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Intimacy

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

by sofakingweetodit / 10/18/2010 at 8:44am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

by sugar / 10/18/2010 at 8:23am / United States (Texas) / Love