Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML
I agree, your life sucks (50486) - you deserved it (6051)
On 07/23/2009 at 3:10am - misc - by Tallow101 - United States (Ohio)
Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML
I agree, your life sucks (33103) - you deserved it (22782)
On 07/23/2009 at 3:00am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17126) - you deserved it (68327)
On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States
Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML
I agree, your life sucks (44691) - you deserved it (9404)
On 07/23/2009 at 2:13am - work - by published_anthropologist (man) - United States
Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML
I agree, your life sucks (50018) - you deserved it (8713)
On 07/23/2009 at 1:23am - love - by costcocondoms (man) - Mexico (Baja California)
Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38901) - you deserved it (17865)
On 07/23/2009 at 12:40am - misc - by partycats (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML
I agree, your life sucks (69012) - you deserved it (4211)
On 07/23/2009 at 12:26am - misc - by Rory (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML
I agree, your life sucks (49360) - you deserved it (5417)
On 07/22/2009 at 7:35pm - love - by OneYearMistake. (woman) - United Kingdom (Essex)
Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML
I agree, your life sucks (39659) - you deserved it (4042)
On 07/22/2009 at 7:03pm - misc - by uncleaning (woman) - United States (Indiana)
Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML
I agree, your life sucks (61835) - you deserved it (2321)
On 07/22/2009 at 6:36pm - health - by retainer (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, the boss returned from vacation. While he was gone we thought it would be a great idea to fill the water cooler with margaritas. Even after rinsing it we still have lime flavored water. Needless to say we got a company memo about appropriate office behavior. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7745) - you deserved it (47050)
On 07/22/2009 at 6:15pm - work - by shayes9 (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML
I agree, your life sucks (49011) - you deserved it (7681)
On 07/22/2009 at 6:05pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Kansas)
Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16382) - you deserved it (75117)
On 07/22/2009 at 5:31pm - misc - by grounded4life (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)
Tuesday 22 July 2014
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↑ anniebananie's comment : A 17 year old guy walks into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist (bragging) "Yeah, my girlfriend is starting to get really hot for some good lovin. I think it's time that I buy some condoms so that I can give it to her good. Tonight we are going to have dinner at her parents house and then going out to inspiration point". The pharmacist recomends a brand of condoms. The guy buys them and leaves. Later that night at the parents house the family and the guy sit down to dinner. The guy asks to say grace. The family obliges. He starts "Dear god, Please protect us and forgive us for our sins," as he continues his speech gets more and more religious. He begs for forgiveness, he asks for world peace, he wishes that everyone could be all knowing. As he continues the family (and his girlfriend) sit in amazement. Finally he finishes, 'God bless us every one." "Wow" his girlfriend says, "I didn't know you were so relgious." "Yeah well, I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
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