Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2011 at 4:29pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

I_iz_B_a_troll's comment : No homo.

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Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

by Brendan / 02/19/2011 at 4:23pm / Canada / Work

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2011 at 10:08am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2011 at 9:51am / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

by anonymous / 02/19/2011 at 8:12am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

by Username / 02/19/2011 at 2:57am / China / Intimacy

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

by PlayboyBunny / 02/19/2011 at 2:20am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2011 at 1:17am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

by inthecold / 02/19/2011 at 12:41am / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2011 at 12:22am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

by blaahh / 02/18/2011 at 8:35pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

by rachel / 02/18/2011 at 8:06pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML

by afafakfhsg / 02/18/2011 at 7:19pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy