Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

by scratchpost / 10/28/2010 at 8:07am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

by djoe / 10/28/2010 at 8:00am / Australia (South Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2010 at 7:42am / United Kingdom (Liverpool) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

by monogamous / 10/28/2010 at 5:26am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

by katie06 / 10/28/2010 at 2:39am / United States / Animals

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

by unsatisfying / 10/28/2010 at 1:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2010 at 12:44am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

by heshay / 10/28/2010 at 12:27am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2010 at 11:27pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

by royalscenery / 10/27/2010 at 5:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2010 at 2:57pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

by thjeltz / 10/27/2010 at 2:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

by Florida / 10/27/2010 at 2:46pm / United States (California) / Animals